Another One

Thanksgiving Is...
by Bob Smiley

Thanksgiving is a time when families come together to embarrass kids everywhere! There’s more eye-rolling at family gatherings during this holiday than at the Optical Olympics.
Last year, we had 33 people to our house for dinner. My dad gave a stirring Thanksgiving Day speech. He said, “Today is about family, love and . . . and throw the ball! He’s wide open!” (We can see our television from the dinner table.)
Mixing my family with my wife’s family is like washing a white T-shirt with red pants. Someone is going to turn pink from embarrassment. Allow me to introduce the main characters that keep it interesting.
Wendy’s grandmother: She doesn’t want to be a bother to anyone — no matter what. Note the following two conversations from last year:
Bob: “Hey, Grandmother, you’ll be sleeping in the guest bedroom upstairs.”
Grandmother: “I don’t need a whole room. I can sleep on the floor. Actually, I can sleep in my car. The seats recline, you know!”
Wendy (right before the feast): “We need one more chair for the table.”
Grandmother: “I can just eat outside on the porch!”
Wendy: “It’s sleeting outside.”
Grandmother: “Then I won’t need a water glass!”
My dad is also an interesting person. If he were Adam, we wouldn’t have had Eve, because I don’t think anyone could take a rib from him. He’ll eat anything. He’ll walk up to someone and say, “Are you going to finish that?” OK, so you’ve heard people ask that question before. But Dad does it while the person is actually chewing on the food!
Uncle Wiley: He knows every cheesy joke ever told. Each year he shakes my hand. I automatically say, “Oh! A hand-buzzer. That’s funny.” He then gives me permission to use that in my comedy act if I wish. I tell him that I don’t shake a lot of hands during my routine. He then starts telling me all the funny “observations” he’s made in the past year in case I want to use any of them on my “next 8-track.” (Yeah, I know. Most of you don’t even know what an 8-track is! Think of it as an ancient and really big CD.)
The cousin’s kid: Wendy’s cousins have the most talented child on this planet. I know this because they tell us every year. They think their son is a genius because he knows how to push the red button on the TV remote. In fact, this kid will probably go on to cure cancer if he has time to spare from his rock ‘n’ roll touring. That’s right. He’s going to be a rock star. I know because I’ve been privileged to hear hours of songs including that classic rock anthem “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
This kid has diversity, too. You should hear his country version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” Of course, now that I have two boys, I understand their bragging a bit more. I’m not proud of this, but last year while trying to act amused at the off-key verse of “Merrily, merrily, gently down the stream!” ringing in my ears and simultaneously answering Uncle Wiley’s question of “Knock, Knock” and telling my dad that I do plan on finishing my chewing gum, I actually stopped and shouted, “Hey! My son’s looking out the window! I bet he’ll be an astrologer one day!” Wendy was so embarrassed that she got up, put on her raincoat and went outside to eat with her grandmother.
The cool thing is, though, no matter how strange my family is, Christ still loves us. He proved that on the Cross. And trust me, if He can love my family, He loves you, too! So be thankful this Thanksgiving. And remember, it’s all about family, love and “Throw the ball! He’s wide open!”